Liam Crowley

An interview... 

with Liam Crowley 

I started this interview off, in classic HK management style by firmly asking Liam to "come see me before you sign out" - I hope his butt instantly clenched. Little did he know, I was only scheduling this interview, haha.

Liam knocks precociously at the office door, it is late in the evening and he is there with a large plastic container, the one that aioli gets made in sometimes. I ask him to find a seat, and he is baffled that I'm not going to check his close. Here we go folks.

H: Cool, welcome to your staff newsletter interview. Alright, lets be quick cus everyone wants to go home.

[There is zero nonsense here again, you can call me Rita Skeeter from now, thanks]

H: What is something that everyone looks stupid doing?

L: Ummmm, pffft... playing charades.

H: Playing charades!

[As a serious board games and party games player, I had to look up an alternative word to "offended" to decribe how I feel about looking stupid: provoked.]

H: Which inanimate object do you wish you could eliminate from existence?

L: [sighs] rammekins.

[There is contempt in his eyes, what have I done?]

H: [cackles]

H: As a child, what part of a kids film or TV show scarred you?

L: Umm, it would be... I don't know about a part, but Courage the Cowardly Dog, if you've ever watched that

H: Oh, nah, shits scary

L: Its fucking scary

H: It messes you up man

L: Nah there's some weird episodes, strange stuff

H: The grandma freaks me out

L: Yeah nah shes pretty bad...

H: Alright, what are the unwritten rules of your workplace?

L: ...unwritten rules... uhh... Always be nice to Vee?

H: hhhahahaha, classic.

L: ..ahhh umm... always look like you're at least doing something

H: Also a good one! Nice!

[I am overjoyed at this response, quietly impressed with these answers tbh.]

H: Best type of cheee?

L: IDK, just like, a good melting cheese, anything gooey

H: Gooey, alright, cool.

[I'm taking notes guys]

H: What are some nicknames you have for coworkers? You don't have to say who, but just give me some nicknames that you have...

L: I don't really have nicknames for everyone..

[he is cut off, by me lol]

H: Interesting! So you're telling me that everyone calls you Handtats but Handtats calls everyone by their name?
L: Yeah I just call everyone by their name...

[what a top guy Handtats]

[I miss Mike]

H: Is a hotdog a sand-[the phone rings] oh shut the fuck up. Silence! 

[I ignore this call from Restaurant 1] 

H: Is a hotdog a sandwich?

L: Yea

[He sounds pretty certain]

H: Is cereal a soup?

L: No

[double certain]

H: Oh..

[Listening back to this audio file, I realize how despondent my reaction is to cereal not being a soup - fight me]

H: Who was your last missed call from?

L: Uh, Telecom, cus I owe them money - hehe.

H: Nice.

[not nice, oops]

H: Top 5 apocalypse tools/items?

L: Top 5? Gee.. Ummm. I'd have to say.. I haven't really thought about the apocalypse much...

[Of course he hasn't, I have. The harrowing future of our increasingly grey planet...]

L: I'd say some food, some water, shelter...

H: Smart.

L: and lets go a good set of books, thats four and...

H: Oooh!

[more audibly impressed this time]

L: and... my guitar!

H: Nice. How long have you been playing guitar?

L: Well I've been playing guitar since I was like, 9 or 10 but I'm not that good, I kinda, its always been just like a hobby thing...

H: Humble [said like in a slightly sarcastic way but I swear Liam, its legit, I just sound like a sarcastic ho sometimes I think its the accent.]

H: If you were to have a Netflix special of your life, or a part of your life, what would the opening theme music be?

L: Opening theme music... probably something like... Mister Crowley? Hahaha

H: Ooh cool. Okay Last question, its a hard one. Um, when, or at what point are we good enough?

L: When we truly feel that we are good enough.

H: Fantastic! Okay well thanks for that!

[I reach for my recording device]

L: Whats this for?

[end of transcript]

After a brief description of what this has been, Liam makes his way out of the office - but not before asking if he could have his staffy. Of course he can.