Ezra Parkinson
I was quite surprised with my interviewee for this month, as he is such a cornerstone at the Southern Cross that I've known for most of my own time here. Then I realized, do we know him at all? Perhaps it was time that we found out more, now more than ever before.
Our tall, hippy Jesus-esque, 2 time champion of the pool tournament (consecutively!) and head chef is before me, clad in head to toe black, before beginning his shift on the Death Star. He's already reading my sheet of questions, which I quickly cover with a drinks menu as nobody must know what is coming for them on this godforsaken, rubbery excuse of a blawg.
H: Welcome to your interview, for the Staff Newsletter, August twenty eighteen.
E: Cool, cool, cool
H: ARE YOU EXCITED?
E: Umm, I guess?
H: Okay, let's begin. What is in your fridge right now?
E: Donuts
[I cackle loudly, signature move]
H: Heaps and heaps of donuts.
H: If you could be a member of any TV family, which would it be?
E: Oooooh... That's a difficult question...
H: Any TV family
E: Any TV family?
H: Any TV family
E: Any TV family... could a group of people be a family
H: [in high pitch] uuuuhhhhhh a group of people could be a family, like I guess the Friends friends are family right?
E: Yea?
H: Well, two of them are...
E: Maybe like That's 70's Show?
H: Eric's family?
[I was surprised, as I would not want to be a Foreman - except I suppose Kitty's pretty fun]
E: Yeah, like hanging out in the garage
H: Oh, okay cool, good answer - that would be fun... when the friends all go down to the basement and [redacted]
H: What is the stupidest thing you've done because someone dared you to?
[there is a long pause]
E: Ah.... I don't often give in to peer pressure..
H: What, so if someone dares you, you just say straight up nah?
E: I don't know, yeah, quite often I'll be like nah, even when its like shots at the bar, and I'll go pour some coke in it, and I'll call myself a pussy, and they don't rip me out for it so... Avoiding peer pressure is my stance on dares.
[#goals]
H: What is the stupidest thing you've done... out of free will?
E: Oh many things.
H: Many things?
E: Many things.
H: You dare yourself huh
E: Trying to stay awake for too long?
H: Oh man, that's funny, because the next question is... Would you rather keep your current sleep schedule, or hibernate for 3 months and be awake 24/7 for the following 9 months?
E: That would be great
H: That would be great? So you..
E: I'd get a lot done... I do like sleeping but... its when I wake up in the morning that I want to go back to sleep. When I have to go to sleep at night, I find it kind of a drag.
[I like sleeping at all times of the day, fyi]
H: What makes someone a hero?
E: Courage. Being honest. Doing something heroic? Superpowers?
H: What is the best on screen bromance?
E: Uh... I Love You, Man
H: Classic.
E: Well that's what the movies about
H: It's in the title
[I should have picked better questions, damn it!]
H: Alright well, describe your life with a film title
[this question actually took too long of a time to answer, it stumped both of us, really. For about a full two minutes and a half. There is a lot of umming and ahhing. There was mentions of Dazed and Confused, "I've put both of us on the spot", Jaws, E.T, and Alien Resurrection. Neither of us have a clue.]
H: We'll move on, because you've gotta start work soon
[I sing this to him]
H: What is your least favorite mode of transport?
E: Probably the bus. Its always very crowded, and noone's talking to each other, and you're only in there for a short amount of time. Whereas if you're on a plan, you already accept your fate when you get on the plane. And if you're on a boat, like the ferry
H: Oh, I love boats
E: You can walk around and stuff. Buses, if there're no seats, you have to stand there
H: And you have to deal with BO, my least favorite thing. If you could travel through time, to a historical event, when and what would it be? To witness a historical event.
E: I'd probably want to go back to the time when the Pyramids were getting built.
[solid answer]
E: Or during an era where a lot of the history has been forgotten.
H: Right...
E: Maybe discover something that our civilization has now forgotten. Because in written history, there's a lot of things that we learnt about or know about but being there would be a curiosity
[!]
E: That era of humanity... there's not a lot we know about.
H: Next question, if not blue, what color do you think the sky could be?
E: Purple?
H: I'd go for pink [mood]
E: Well if you look at twilight, its kind of that orange-y
H: Yeah that coral-y color
E: But then it changes, it goes pink, orange, purple
H: But permanently
E: Purple sky!
H: Do you reckon [a permanently purple sky will make] people [sic] be different?
E: I think so
H: What do you do when you can't fall asleep
[there is a pause]
E: I... imagine myself in a place I want to be
[not the answer I was expecting!]
E: Or doing something I want to do. For years, it was imagining myself on stage, playing in front of thousands of people. Even sometimes now, I'll think about recipes, and my mind will wander and I'll come across a really good idea and it wakes me up and daMN IT!
H: How do you feel about wombats?
[a great follow up questions]
E: Wombats?
H: Yeh
E: Giant rodents aren't they?
H: Yeah, oh no, marsupials? I believe?
[I believe in marsupials]
E: Oh yea, so kangaroos and possums... basically every Australian mammal. Yeah they're cool. They live in the ground don't they?
H: Yeah they do
E: Rabbit rat...
H: They get real large, like potato sack large
E: They're cool
H: What is your favorite holiday?
E: Um... having a holiday? That's probably my favorite part of a holiday?
H: So I suppose here, either Good Friday or Christmas Day huh?
E: I haven't done a lot of traveling so like, anywhere outside of the country or outside of my comfort zone.
H: So a general vacation?
E: Somewhere I can relax.
[me too!]
H: Which holiday, as in annual occasion, would you erase from existence? So like, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, Labour Day...
E: Then probably Labour Day, because my birthday is on that weekend
[everybody make note]
E: and its always a busy weekend [inaudible, damn customers]
HL If you could make up a holiday, a day deidcated to a thing, what would it be?
E: ... I guess something like Left Handed-ness Day, or a day devoted to people who are left handed maybe?
H: And on that day, everything turns left handed?
E: Haha, yeah and so everybody realizes how annoying it would be to be left handed sometimes! I can't use scissors with my left handed because they make them for right handed people.
H: And if you get left handed scissors, they get lost because people think that they're shit scissors cus they use them with the wrong hand! Like, "what is this pair of scissors up to? what is with this shite pair of scissors? whats going on?"
[I share his sinister feelings, as I too am left handed]
[we are bonding]
And that was the end of the interview!
Here are a list of famous people other than Ezra or myself that are left handed:
Andrew Watson - GC!
Mark Cameron - OG!
Leo Da Vinci - can draw and invent shit
Aristotle - next level G
Neil Armstrong - went to the moon
Barack Obama - the President of my heart
Henry Ford - cars tho
Pele - yeeeeaaaa
Jimi Hendrix - he played right handed guitars upside down, strung left handedly - what the fuck? tell me thats not a gangsta move.
Babe Ruth - baseball1
Pierce Brosnan - a Bond, so BDE
Oprah Winfrey - YOU get left handed scissors, YOU get left handed scissors, EVERYONE GETS LEFT HANDED SCISSOOOORSSZZ
Jim Carrey - and therefore, Lloyd Christmas
Charlie Chaplin - go watch Modern Times
Rober De Niro - can make the face
Ricky Martin - bangs
Sting - stings
Bill Gates - genius
Tim Allen - *grunts*
Albert Einstein - wrote with his left hand
John McEnroe - often considered greatest in the history of tennis
Chewbacca the Wookie - yea fuck with him you can try
Keanu Reeves - uhh Point Break anyone? he plays bass guitar right handedly tho, an ambidextrous hunty
Matt Groening - creator of The Simpsons
Bart Simpson - the best Simpson, probably (fight me)
David Bowie - RIP, too soon
Kurt Cobain - RIP, too soon also
Stone Age implements discovered seem equally divided between left and right, and studies of cave drawings have indicated a preference for the left hand. As the heart is on the left hand side, a shield would have to be in the left hand to defend it, and any weapon therefore had to be held in the right - which eventually became the dominant hand.
Anyways, that's it for this month's interview, thanks Ezra!
Our tall, hippy Jesus-esque, 2 time champion of the pool tournament (consecutively!) and head chef is before me, clad in head to toe black, before beginning his shift on the Death Star. He's already reading my sheet of questions, which I quickly cover with a drinks menu as nobody must know what is coming for them on this godforsaken, rubbery excuse of a blawg.
H: Welcome to your interview, for the Staff Newsletter, August twenty eighteen.
E: Cool, cool, cool
H: ARE YOU EXCITED?
E: Umm, I guess?
H: Okay, let's begin. What is in your fridge right now?
E: Donuts
[I cackle loudly, signature move]
H: Heaps and heaps of donuts.
H: If you could be a member of any TV family, which would it be?
E: Oooooh... That's a difficult question...
H: Any TV family
E: Any TV family?
H: Any TV family
E: Any TV family... could a group of people be a family
H: [in high pitch] uuuuhhhhhh a group of people could be a family, like I guess the Friends friends are family right?
E: Yea?
H: Well, two of them are...
E: Maybe like That's 70's Show?
H: Eric's family?
[I was surprised, as I would not want to be a Foreman - except I suppose Kitty's pretty fun]
E: Yeah, like hanging out in the garage
H: Oh, okay cool, good answer - that would be fun... when the friends all go down to the basement and [redacted]
H: What is the stupidest thing you've done because someone dared you to?
[there is a long pause]
E: Ah.... I don't often give in to peer pressure..
H: What, so if someone dares you, you just say straight up nah?
E: I don't know, yeah, quite often I'll be like nah, even when its like shots at the bar, and I'll go pour some coke in it, and I'll call myself a pussy, and they don't rip me out for it so... Avoiding peer pressure is my stance on dares.
[#goals]
H: What is the stupidest thing you've done... out of free will?
E: Oh many things.
H: Many things?
E: Many things.
H: You dare yourself huh
E: Trying to stay awake for too long?
H: Oh man, that's funny, because the next question is... Would you rather keep your current sleep schedule, or hibernate for 3 months and be awake 24/7 for the following 9 months?
E: That would be great
H: That would be great? So you..
E: I'd get a lot done... I do like sleeping but... its when I wake up in the morning that I want to go back to sleep. When I have to go to sleep at night, I find it kind of a drag.
[I like sleeping at all times of the day, fyi]
H: What makes someone a hero?
E: Courage. Being honest. Doing something heroic? Superpowers?
H: What is the best on screen bromance?
E: Uh... I Love You, Man
H: Classic.
E: Well that's what the movies about
H: It's in the title
[I should have picked better questions, damn it!]
H: Alright well, describe your life with a film title
[this question actually took too long of a time to answer, it stumped both of us, really. For about a full two minutes and a half. There is a lot of umming and ahhing. There was mentions of Dazed and Confused, "I've put both of us on the spot", Jaws, E.T, and Alien Resurrection. Neither of us have a clue.]
H: We'll move on, because you've gotta start work soon
[I sing this to him]
H: What is your least favorite mode of transport?
E: Probably the bus. Its always very crowded, and noone's talking to each other, and you're only in there for a short amount of time. Whereas if you're on a plan, you already accept your fate when you get on the plane. And if you're on a boat, like the ferry
H: Oh, I love boats
E: You can walk around and stuff. Buses, if there're no seats, you have to stand there
H: And you have to deal with BO, my least favorite thing. If you could travel through time, to a historical event, when and what would it be? To witness a historical event.
E: I'd probably want to go back to the time when the Pyramids were getting built.
[solid answer]
E: Or during an era where a lot of the history has been forgotten.
H: Right...
E: Maybe discover something that our civilization has now forgotten. Because in written history, there's a lot of things that we learnt about or know about but being there would be a curiosity
[!]
E: That era of humanity... there's not a lot we know about.
H: Next question, if not blue, what color do you think the sky could be?
E: Purple?
H: I'd go for pink [mood]
E: Well if you look at twilight, its kind of that orange-y
H: Yeah that coral-y color
E: But then it changes, it goes pink, orange, purple
H: But permanently
E: Purple sky!
H: Do you reckon [a permanently purple sky will make] people [sic] be different?
E: I think so
H: What do you do when you can't fall asleep
[there is a pause]
E: I... imagine myself in a place I want to be
[not the answer I was expecting!]
E: Or doing something I want to do. For years, it was imagining myself on stage, playing in front of thousands of people. Even sometimes now, I'll think about recipes, and my mind will wander and I'll come across a really good idea and it wakes me up and daMN IT!
H: How do you feel about wombats?
[a great follow up questions]
E: Wombats?
H: Yeh
E: Giant rodents aren't they?
H: Yeah, oh no, marsupials? I believe?
[I believe in marsupials]
E: Oh yea, so kangaroos and possums... basically every Australian mammal. Yeah they're cool. They live in the ground don't they?
H: Yeah they do
E: Rabbit rat...
H: They get real large, like potato sack large
E: They're cool
H: What is your favorite holiday?
E: Um... having a holiday? That's probably my favorite part of a holiday?
H: So I suppose here, either Good Friday or Christmas Day huh?
E: I haven't done a lot of traveling so like, anywhere outside of the country or outside of my comfort zone.
H: So a general vacation?
E: Somewhere I can relax.
[me too!]
H: Which holiday, as in annual occasion, would you erase from existence? So like, Halloween, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, Labour Day...
E: Then probably Labour Day, because my birthday is on that weekend
[everybody make note]
E: and its always a busy weekend [inaudible, damn customers]
HL If you could make up a holiday, a day deidcated to a thing, what would it be?
E: ... I guess something like Left Handed-ness Day, or a day devoted to people who are left handed maybe?
H: And on that day, everything turns left handed?
E: Haha, yeah and so everybody realizes how annoying it would be to be left handed sometimes! I can't use scissors with my left handed because they make them for right handed people.
H: And if you get left handed scissors, they get lost because people think that they're shit scissors cus they use them with the wrong hand! Like, "what is this pair of scissors up to? what is with this shite pair of scissors? whats going on?"
[I share his sinister feelings, as I too am left handed]
[we are bonding]
And that was the end of the interview!
Here are a list of famous people other than Ezra or myself that are left handed:
Andrew Watson - GC!
Mark Cameron - OG!
Leo Da Vinci - can draw and invent shit
Aristotle - next level G
Neil Armstrong - went to the moon
Barack Obama - the President of my heart
Henry Ford - cars tho
Pele - yeeeeaaaa
Jimi Hendrix - he played right handed guitars upside down, strung left handedly - what the fuck? tell me thats not a gangsta move.
Babe Ruth - baseball1
Pierce Brosnan - a Bond, so BDE
Oprah Winfrey - YOU get left handed scissors, YOU get left handed scissors, EVERYONE GETS LEFT HANDED SCISSOOOORSSZZ
Jim Carrey - and therefore, Lloyd Christmas
Charlie Chaplin - go watch Modern Times
Rober De Niro - can make the face
Ricky Martin - bangs
Sting - stings
Bill Gates - genius
Tim Allen - *grunts*
Albert Einstein - wrote with his left hand
John McEnroe - often considered greatest in the history of tennis
Chewbacca the Wookie - yea fuck with him you can try
Keanu Reeves - uhh Point Break anyone? he plays bass guitar right handedly tho, an ambidextrous hunty
Matt Groening - creator of The Simpsons
Bart Simpson - the best Simpson, probably (fight me)
David Bowie - RIP, too soon
Kurt Cobain - RIP, too soon also
Stone Age implements discovered seem equally divided between left and right, and studies of cave drawings have indicated a preference for the left hand. As the heart is on the left hand side, a shield would have to be in the left hand to defend it, and any weapon therefore had to be held in the right - which eventually became the dominant hand.
Anyways, that's it for this month's interview, thanks Ezra!
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